A Quick Little Update

I feel like I’m waking up from a long sleep. Everyone who knows me has some idea of how difficult it was to deal with life after Seth passed away. Everything was empty and hollow and numb. Most smiles were forced. I stopped caring about almost everything. I did a lot of work in that time trying to figure out who I was outside of Seth’s wife. My entire adulthood to that point had filled that role and I couldn’t imagine a life without him where I would ever be happy again.

A year and some change later, an old friend asked me out and I agreed to try seeing someone that wasn’t my husband. It was easier than I expected at first, probably because of our history of friendship. It was also fun and it made me realize that certain things inside my heart were not forever turned to ash. I couldn’t be my true self though. There were too many troubling times between the fun outings and quiet evenings that gave me pause and made me shield a good deal of myself away and it started to change me into something I didn’t recognize or particularly like. It ultimately doesn’t matter how it ended, or whose fault it was, or even what the final straw was; we were both deeply unhappy for some time and we finally said so and split up.

I found myself alone again, but it was completely different this time. It wasn’t some terrible thing that I didn’t want being forced on me. I was alone by choice and enjoyed all of my new found freedoms, trying new things I’d always wanted to do, hanging out with friends and people who genuinely cared about me and realigned my priorities and joys.

I was still lonely though. I’m a person who thrives on companionship and there was definitely something missing. My day is very female centric, and I don’t drink, so I don’t go to bars and most of my alone time is spent in my house, where clearly I’m not going to meet any random men. Which is how I ended up on a dating website.

It was excruciating.

Trying to find a site that was geared toward real relationships and not idle hookups, trying to consolidate your life story and personality into a couple of paragraphs and photos and then weeding through all of the people who don’t match with you whatsoever, not to mention all of the seriously cringe worthy messages you can be sent by random creep-o’s. I’ve never laughed so hard or been so thoroughly disenchanted with the options at the same time. There were a few who stood out, genuinely kind people I had a few things in common with, but not enough to make me think relationship things. There were also people I could definitely see myself being friends with, but probably nothing more.

And then there was Chris.

He was shown in my matches on day two. One of his profile photos showed him with Stan Lee, and I asked him how it was to meet the comic book legend. From that moment our conversations grew deeper and I found myself telling him things I hadn’t really told anyone and I quickly realized this was the kind of conversation my soul had been craving. We exchanged numbers and texted constantly and I lit up every time I’d see his name pop up on my phone. Then we setup a date. We’d already been talking for almost 3 weeks by the time we actually met.

I was ridiculously nervous. It occurred to me shortly before we met that this was technically my first ‘first date’ since Seth, basically twenty years ago. My ex and I knew each other already and didn’t really go through any of that awkward first meeting stuff. So, here I was, brand new at meeting a stranger I was already extremely interested in and hoping he felt the same once he saw me in person. No pressure.

Thankfully I didn’t have anything to worry about. The date couldn’t have gone better. We had instant chemistry and we spent practically that whole first weekend together. It was amazing. He’s amazing. Over the next few weeks we’ve shared so many intimate details and I keep discovering more and more that I love about him and the way we are together. So far he is everything I’ve been looking for and he’s been so accepting of my real and complete self. It’s such a breath of fresh air to be with him. I don’t think I’ve stopped smiling or laughing since we started talking. He’s smart and funny and adorable and the most open and honest person I’ve met in maybe my whole life. I didn’t even realize what was missing from my life before him. I am already head over heels for this man of mine.

So, that’s been my 2020 in a nutshell. Falling in love has been a wonderful way to start my new year. Maybe it’s too early to tell, but I see this one sticking.